Hell-th

Hell-th indeed. I'm going to tell you a bit about my physical and mental health. Hopefully it will give you some insight into where I'm coming from on the issues I'm passionate about. I'll be updating as soon as I'm feeling better.


To the physical stuff! I have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (yes they're different things and they're real), Auto-immune Defficiency, Gastrointestinal Disease (yet to be identified). Between them I spend most of my time indoors, mostly horizontal. I ache constantly (like proper, full blown Flu) and lack the energy to do everyday tasks most of the time. The more I do the more down time I need to recover, sometimes needing to sleep in excess of 20 hours in a stretch. I'm prone to falling over and am often sporting bruises. If there's any bug or infection around I'll catch it and it'll put me in bed.
Food is the enemy I feel like I need all the time but causes immense pain when it passes through my body. I regularly get Hypoglycemic making me need to eat. It's a war. I feel nausea in waves all day long, so much so it's normal. Cramping which starts in the upper abdomen, just below the sternum, affects the whole upper left quadrant of my body and stops me in my tracks for hours after eating. Fighting the battle not to vomit and losing sure ain't fun.

I also have mini seizures which mostly happen when I'm exhausted but haven't been able to rest. Y'know the thing where your limbs go rigid and you zone out for a minute or two then come roud and have to vomit, yeah, that. The Neurologist also identified De-realisation as a seperate issue to the fits. That's when I am dizzy all the time, have no co-ordination or spatial awareness, like I'm in the wrong body. When this kicks in people usually think I'm drunk. No fun.

Mentally stuff? Not so rosy either but hey ho! Mustn't grumble! Right? There's this Emotionaly Unstable (Bordeline) Personality Disorder thingy. Consultant shrink finally labelled me back in 2009. I've been in and out of therapy since my teens. Some useful, some not so much. I'm only alive because I have a cat who I love and who I must care for. Yes, I get that low. Although I live in a city where I know a lot of people - I don't see them because I'm in all the time because of the physical stuff. I see the grocery delivery people more than anyone I actually know. Of course that leads to that lonely, isolated, empty feeling which sometimes pushes me so close to the brink I need to release somehow and it's never pretty. I'll stop there in case I trigger anyone reading.
And there's the obvious depression but I think you might just be picking that up.

I worked for decades and was very active before all this. I'd work again if I could work completely flexible hours from home and had support to do it along with the assurance that I wouldn't be penalised for being too ill to meet targets. I've tried to help myself as much as I can. I have no family. I have no support. Each time someone refers me to Social Services I end up getting leaflets in the post which normally sits there for weeks before I get brave enough to open it. I've had six referals in fourteen months.

What keeps me going is my cat and my campaigning and helping people in any way I can with the fall-out from the evil of welfare reform. Most of my few waking hours that I can sit up I throw myself into the fight. When my mind needs a break I try to draw. Although it can sometimes take weeks for me to finish a drawing because of the physical effort it takes. I suppose drawing is my "Happy Place" or at least "Not-so-stressed Place". There's nowhere else for me to escape to. The state of the "United Kingdom", the effect of welfare reform of the already vulnerable, the messages that land in my inbox and posts on my support group.... Heartbreaking. It might seem off that something so harrowing is something I want to be involved in. Maybe I can deal with these things better than some healthy people because I understand them. I am them. Helping gives me some purpose. Makes me force myself to be positive for their sake.

So, there's my Hell-th situation in my own words.